Praline (John Cleese): I wish to register a complaint. 'Ello, Miss?
Shopkeeper (Michael): What do you mean "miss"
Praline: (pause) I'm sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint!
Shopkeeper: Sorry, we're closin' for lunch.
Praline: Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this parrot what I purchased not half an hour ago from this very boutique.
Shopkeeper: Oh yes, the Norwegian Blue. What's wrong with it?
Praline: I'll tell you what's wrong with it, me lad. 'E's dead, that's what's wrong with it!
Shopkeeper: No, no, he's resting.
Praline: Look, matey, I know a dead parrot when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now.
Shopkeeper: No, no, he's not dead, he's restin'! Remarkable bird, the Norwegian Blue, innit? Beautiful plumage!
Praline: The plumage don't enter into it. 'E's stone dead.
Shopkeeper: No, no! He's resting!
Praline: All right then, if he's restin', I'll wake him up! (shouting at the cage) 'Ello, Mister Polly Parrot! I've got a nice fresh banana for you if you...(shopkeeper hits the cage)
Shopkeeper: There, he moved!
Praline: No, he didn't, you hit the cage!
Shopkeeper: I never!
Praline: Yes, you did!
Shopkeeper: I never did anything...
Praline: (yelling and hitting the cage repeatedly) 'ELLO POLLY!!!!! Wakey! Wakey! This is your nine o'clock alarm call! (Takes parrot out of the cage and thumps its head on the counter. Throws it up in the air and watches it plummet to the floor.) Now that's what I call a dead parrot.
Shopkeeper: Now, now,'e's stunned!
Praline: Stunned?
Shopkeeper: Yeah! You stunned him, just as he was wakin' up! Norwegian Blues stun easily.
Praline: Now look. Don't play the slippery eel with me. That parrot is definitely deceased, and when I purchased it not 'alf an hour ago, you assured me that its total lack of movement was due to it bein' tired and shagged out after a long squawk.
Shopkeeper: Well, he's probably pining for the fjords.
Praline: PININ' for the FJORDS? What kind of talk is that? Look, why did he fall flat on his back the moment I got 'im home?
Shopkeeper: The Norwegian Blue prefers kipping on its back! Remarkable bird, innit, eh, major? Beautiful plumage!
Praline: Look, Tosh, I took the liberty of examining that bird when I got it home, and I discovered the only reason that it had been sitting on its perch in the first place was that it had been NAILED there. (pause)
Shopkeeper: Well, o'course it was nailed there! Listen, if I hadn't nailed that bird down, it would have muscled those bars, bent 'em apart with its little pecker, and VOOM!
Praline: "VOOM"?
Shopkeeper: Voom!
Praline: Mate, this parrot wouldn't "voom" if you put four million volts through it! 'E's bleedin' demised!
Shopkeeper: No, no! 'E's pining!
Praline: It's not pining, it's passed on. This parrot is no more. It has ceased to be. It's expired and gone to meet its maker. This is a late parrot. It's a stiff. Bereft of life, it rests in peace. If you hadn't nailed it to the perch, it would be pushing up the daisies. It's of the twig. It's curled up its tootsies, 'it's shuffled off this mortal coil. It's rung down the curtain and joined the choir invisible. It's fucking snuffed it! Vis-a-vis its metabolic processes, it's had its lot! All statements to the effect of this parrot is still a going concern, are from now on inoperative. This is an ex-parrot.
Shopkeeper: Well, I'd better replace it, then. (he takes a quick peek behind the counter)
Praline: What's the news?
Shopkeeper: I've had a look 'round the back of the shop, and uh, we're right out of parrots.
My God, you are the luckiest woman on earth, and I wish I'd been born in your generation and not mine. Did you really manage to spend the years between fourteen and leaving university without young men attempting to pick you up by reciting Python at you?
And I wonder why they should have stopped, considering that it was fifteen or twenty years old when they used to try it on me...
Oh and what about the man who endlessly recited from the parrot sketch and who eventually admitted, after several viewings of A Fish Called Wanda,that he didn't know that it was John Cleese who did the parrot sketch?
Oh, I've had the spam song and the knights who say nyeh and 'Always look on the bright side of life' quoted at me, though I don't know about 'trying to pick me up'. It was more a case of 'the source of this is running around on the surface of my brain and just eluding my grasp and it's really annoying me'.
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branchandroot
no subject
Date: 2007-03-23 11:02 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-03-24 03:29 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-03-24 12:46 am (UTC)Shopkeeper (Michael): What do you mean "miss"
Praline: (pause) I'm sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint!
Shopkeeper: Sorry, we're closin' for lunch.
Praline: Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this parrot what I purchased not half an hour ago from this very boutique.
Shopkeeper: Oh yes, the Norwegian Blue. What's wrong with it?
Praline: I'll tell you what's wrong with it, me lad. 'E's dead, that's what's wrong with it!
Shopkeeper: No, no, he's resting.
Praline: Look, matey, I know a dead parrot when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now.
Shopkeeper: No, no, he's not dead, he's restin'! Remarkable bird, the Norwegian Blue, innit? Beautiful plumage!
Praline: The plumage don't enter into it. 'E's stone dead.
Shopkeeper: No, no! He's resting!
Praline: All right then, if he's restin', I'll wake him up! (shouting at the cage) 'Ello, Mister Polly Parrot! I've got a nice fresh banana for you if you...(shopkeeper hits the cage)
Shopkeeper: There, he moved!
Praline: No, he didn't, you hit the cage!
Shopkeeper: I never!
Praline: Yes, you did!
Shopkeeper: I never did anything...
Praline: (yelling and hitting the cage repeatedly) 'ELLO POLLY!!!!! Wakey! Wakey! This is your nine o'clock alarm call! (Takes parrot out of the cage and thumps its head on the counter. Throws it up in the air and watches it plummet to the floor.) Now that's what I call a dead parrot.
Shopkeeper: Now, now,'e's stunned!
Praline: Stunned?
Shopkeeper: Yeah! You stunned him, just as he was wakin' up! Norwegian Blues stun easily.
Praline: Now look. Don't play the slippery eel with me. That parrot is definitely deceased, and when I purchased it not 'alf an hour ago, you assured me that its total lack of movement was due to it bein' tired and shagged out after a long squawk.
Shopkeeper: Well, he's probably pining for the fjords.
Praline: PININ' for the FJORDS? What kind of talk is that? Look, why did he fall flat on his back the moment I got 'im home?
Shopkeeper: The Norwegian Blue prefers kipping on its back! Remarkable bird, innit, eh, major? Beautiful plumage!
Praline: Look, Tosh, I took the liberty of examining that bird when I got it home, and I discovered the only reason that it had been sitting on its perch in the first place was that it had been NAILED there.
(pause)
Shopkeeper: Well, o'course it was nailed there! Listen, if I hadn't nailed that bird down, it would have muscled those bars, bent 'em apart with its little pecker, and VOOM!
Praline: "VOOM"?
Shopkeeper: Voom!
Praline: Mate, this parrot wouldn't "voom" if you put four million volts through it! 'E's bleedin' demised!
Shopkeeper: No, no! 'E's pining!
Praline: It's not pining, it's passed on. This parrot is no more. It has ceased to be. It's expired and gone to meet its maker. This is a late parrot. It's a stiff. Bereft of life, it rests in peace. If you hadn't nailed it to the perch, it would be pushing up the daisies. It's of the twig. It's curled up its tootsies, 'it's shuffled off this mortal coil. It's rung down the curtain and joined the choir invisible. It's fucking snuffed it! Vis-a-vis its metabolic processes, it's had its lot! All statements to the effect of this parrot is still a going concern, are from now on inoperative. This is an ex-parrot.
Shopkeeper: Well, I'd better replace it, then. (he takes a quick peek behind the counter)
Praline: What's the news?
Shopkeeper: I've had a look 'round the back of the shop, and uh, we're right out of parrots.
Praline: I see. I see. I get the picture.
Shopkeeper: (pause) I got a slug.
Praline: Does it talk?
Shopkeeper: Yep.
Praline: Well, I'll have that one then.
no subject
Date: 2007-03-24 03:32 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-03-24 11:31 am (UTC)And I wonder why they should have stopped, considering that it was fifteen or twenty years old when they used to try it on me...
no subject
Date: 2007-03-24 11:36 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-03-24 11:36 am (UTC)Clockwise was funny too
no subject
Date: 2007-03-24 03:31 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-03-24 03:35 pm (UTC)